In-Law Relationships

While I grew up on the same street as my husband's family, before marriage, I think I was ill-prepared for making my relationship with them work. I had always liked the family, but marrying into it required much more effort on my part (and my in-laws) to make our relationships work. There were quite a few things that my husband's family did differently from mine. Their Sabbath-day activities were different from the ones my family had expected of us. They put more emphasis on gifts, celebrations, and traditions. They were much more connected and interdependent than my family. Their brand of humor was distinct from my family's. I was bewildered by all the differences, and sometimes felt a bit lost at family functions.

However, I am happy to say that the differences in our families have actually provided a good source of discussion for my husband and I. We are able to look at our distinct families and choose what qualities we want to bring from each of our families of origin to our family of creation. We like my family's Sunday traditions and more lenient approach to attendance to family activities. We like that my husband's family is more consistent with holiday traditions, and more open when it comes to communication. And there are many aspects of our families that we appreciate, but feel could use moderation.

While we look at our families' traits and pick and choose which ones we would like to cultivate, we are also able to enjoy time spent with each family. We recognize that each has strengths and weaknesses that the other may not have, but we appreciate them for their uniqueness, and what they have contributed to our growth.

My side of the family

My husband's side of the family

James Harper and Suzanne Frost Olsen, director and co-director of the BYU School of Family Life, gave some advice about cultivating relationships with in-laws in the book Helping and Healing Our Families. To parents-in-law, they advise that they will do well to "accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law by creating opportunities to spend time one-on-one."

To those who marry into new families, it would be wise to keep in mind what one married woman said: "When I met [his] parents... I didn't agree with them on religion, politics, or even how to cook a pot roast. I really wasn't even sure if I liked them. But then I had to remember they had raised [my husband] and I loved him, so there must be something good about them. At that point, I began to enjoy their differences, and to love them, too."

Sources:

Hart, C. H. (2005). Helping and healing our families: principles and practices inspired by the family: a proclamation to the world. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Power & Unity

According to Richard Miller, the director of the School of Family Life at BYU, "The issues of power, control, and hierarchy are important in families. Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems." Power, control, and hierarchy are evident in decision-making, conversation, and day-to-day family life. We saw how unequal power sharing (particularly men holding more power than their wives) can lead to problems in marriage.

If power can be such an issue among families, what is the right balance of power, and how do you reach it? Richard Miller gave a few guidelines.

The first is that parents should be the leaders of the family. While accepting input and influence from children in decision-making is not wrong, parents should have the final say in family rules and routines, and should hold their children to the standards they create. This also means that parents should be united. They should not side with children, or look outside the family for answers. A husband and wife should rely on and support one another in the decisions they make together. And while parents should lead their children in their youth, once children are grown, they must become autonomous. Parents may still create and enforce family rules and expectations in their own home, but their authority over their adult children ends there. And finally, parents should be equal partners in their relationship. While they may fulfill different roles (ideally with the husband principally providing for and protecting his family, and the wife principally nurturing their children), they should help one another equally in their responsibilities, and reach a consensus that is mutually satisfying to both when making decisions.

I am fortunate enough to be married to a man who has always regarded my thoughts and opinions as valuable and vital to decision-making in our marriage. Neither of us is comfortable with making important decisions without the consent of the other. A somewhat frivolous example of this happened about a week ago. My mother-in-law loves to spoil her family with gifts at Christmas. When she asked my husband what he wanted this year, he suggested some money to spend on clothes. When she found a good Black Friday deal on an X-Box, she texted me and asked whether I thought he would prefer that over the money for clothes. I knew she wanted it to be a surprise, but I felt it was so much money that I had to consult my husband about it. It may seem insignificant, but in those moments when we show that we care about the other spouse's thoughts, we share the power in our family and demonstrate our love and respect for one another.



Sources:

Miller, R. B. (2008, March 28). Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Marriage. Address presented at BYU Conference on Family Life in Utah, Provo.

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Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

For many from a conservative religious background, sexuality in marriage is a topic scarcely addressed at home or at church. More often, talks about sexuality center around the dangers of sex outside of marriage and the importance of abstinence. Marriage suddenly opens doors that were once locked, and many young couples find themselves at a loss in the new territory. I have to say that up until six months or so before my marriage, my own attitudes about sexuality were distorted by my own upbringing to the degree that the very idea of sex seemed dirty and depraved to me. I'm happy to say that after long conversations with my sisters and trusted married friends, and reading good Christian literature about intimacy in marriage, I was able to change my views, and come to accept sexuality as a beautiful and important part of marriage.

So what role should sexuality play in a marriage? In the first chapters of Genesis the Lord commands Adam and Eve to not only "multiply and replenish the earth" but to be "one flesh". Sexuality was to be a means not only of bringing children into the world, but to bind man and wife together as one. It's deeply symbolic of the absolute union of a couple, and of their love for one another. It allows a husband and wife to give of themselves for their spouse.

Although sexual expression in marriage can be beautiful and fulfilling, for many, it is a source of frustration. In my studies, I read a paper written by Sean E. Brotherson, PhD, and specialist in family life. He proposed that the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" for sexual fulfillment in marriage are "ignorance, inhibition, ill-will, and immorality".

The harm of ignorance in sexuality can be seen in situations like the one I suggested above. Not understanding the sacred, positive concept of healthy and loving sex in marriage can lead to an aversion to it. Some may refrain from learning more about their sexuality and that of their partner because they misunderstand it, and feel that any attempt to seek knowledge on the subject is immoral. Inhibition about discussing intimacy with a partner can also hinder the sexual fulfillment in a marriage. Brotherson recommends that such couples remember that the prophet President Lee said that intimacy is an "expression of true love in holy wedlock". It is not shameful, and any issues or concerns should be addressed within the marriage, and with a professional, if necessary. Ill-will, or any negative feelings within a marriage, particularly persistent ones, are certain to put the brakes on a couple's sex life. Intimacy, despite what modern culture may teach, is an intensely emotional experience. Negative emotions will taint sexual encounters or hinder them altogether. A couple must ensure that they not only solve negative experiences within the marriage, but take care to nurture positive ones to create an environment where sex is a further symbol of the love already expressed. Although Brotherson did not specifically address immorality in his paper, it should be clear to anyone in a marriage how damaging immorality can be to intimacy. It erodes the trust and the feeling of "oneness" that are at the heart of intimacy, and should be avoided entirely.

While intimacy can be challenging to many, if not all, couples at some point, with care, patience, and a desire to understand it, it can lead to deeper phsyical, emotional, mental, and spiritual connection.

Sources:

Brotherson, S. E. (2003). Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage. Meridian Magazine.

Dreams & Charity

A metaproblem that many couples face is gridlock. According to Gottman, gridlock occurs when a recurring problem becomes difficult for a couple to manage or live with. You can tell when an issue in your marriage has become gridlocked if it has the following four characteristics:

1. The argument is recurring.
2. The issue is never addressed with "humor, empathy, or affection."
3. It becomes "increasingly polarizing" with time.
4. Compromise appears to require "giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self" (237).

As you improve in other areas of your marriage, including improving your friendship, cherishing your spouse, and creating shared meaning, it will be easier and more natural to avoid gridlock. Some practical tips that Gottman offers for dealing with gridlock include recognizing that recurring problems are created because one or both partners have dreams that the other "isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect" (238). The way to clear up gridlock, then, is to become aware of each other's dreams, acknowledge them and respect them. This involves an honest interest in each other's dreams, listening without judgement, and sharing your own dreams candidly. While these types of problems will likely never be completely solved, finding middle ground and respecting one another's dreams is key to keep a recurring problem from destroying a marriage.

As important as these skills are, there is a characteristic that, if cultivated, will not only make such skills more natural, but should prevent gridlock entirely. This characteristic is charity.

In Moroni 7:46-47, we read, "...If ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail- But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever." If charity is the pure love of Christ, then the only perfect example we have to turn to is Christ Himself. In His ministry, He did not confine Himself to "righteous" company. He ate with publicans and sinners. He approached lepers and healed them. He showed compassion on a woman caught in the act of adultery, clever lawyers attempting to disgrace Him, and even the very men who crucified Him.

How does that sort of love translate into a marriage? We are not so unlike the sinners that Christ treated with understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. In Romans 3:23 we read, "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." We are all in need of the sort of love that Christ demonstrated every moment of His life. If we feel that longing for acceptance and compassion, it shouldn't be hard to understand that our spouses crave that same love. As we choose to focus more on the godly characteristics that made us love our spouses in the first place, rather than the small flaws that all of us have, we will be choosing a more godly marriage, characterized by the pure love of Christ.

Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.

KJV Holy Bible.

Managing Conflict

As anyone who is married knows, no marriage is free of problems. According to John Gottman, these problems can either be solvable, or perpetual. Obviously, solvable problems seem much more desirable: there's something excruciating about the phrase "perpetual problems". Unfortunately, Gottman says that about 69% of marital problems are perpetual (138).

As I studied about problem-solving in marriage, I reflected on my own marriage and realized that many of our arguments are recurring. For example: I'm a creative person who can work with a little mess without feeling too frustrated. My husband is organized, proactive, and neat. These are aspects of one another that drew us to each other, and that we still cherish. However, it also sets the stage for conflict. I can live with some mess, and my husband would rather not. Another is the way we express love: my husband likes to perform service for me, and I like to spend quality time together. Sometimes, we fail to fully appreciate the attempts of the other to demonstrate affection. Many of our conflicts revolve around these issues, and while we may both bend a bit to try to suit the other person, neither of us are going to experience a major personality change in the near (or far) future.

So what do you do about it? Give up on marriage because you'll never be problem-free? John Gottman shares a few practical examples of couples who manage to keep perpetual problems from overwhelming them. One couple not only grins and bears it, but manages to find humor in it. Another brings up the problem often so it doesn't become too overwhelming.

A more spiritual view of facing these problems comes from Wallace Goddard. He cites consecration, or giving your best, as the solution. "Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration... we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls" (103). Rather than viewing our perpetual problems as merely sore spots in our marriage, we can make them into opportunities to give a little more of ourselves to improve not only our marriages, but ourselves.

Sources:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.

Pride and Humility

According to President Ezra Taft Benson, pride is a sin that many of us are unaware we are committing, yet it is at the heart of many, if not all, great sins. President Benson went on to explain, "The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.'"

So how does this relate to marriage? As I studied President Benson's address, and both Gottman's and Goddard's work, I found that pride can do much to damage a marital relationship, where humility and repentance can often solve grievous issues in a marriage.

According to Goddard, we can recognize the presence of pride "when we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse". This is because "the natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others" (Goddard, 69). Our natural, fallen, prideful selves will always compare ourselves against others, and will always find more faults in everyone else. In a marriage, we often justify our own behaviors, but are quick to judge the actions (or inaction) of a spouse. Whenever we are feeling irritated with our spouse, our emotion is evidence that we believe ourselves to be superior to them (even if that belief is temporary).

Pride in a marriage can also manifest itself in the refusal to accept influence from our spouse. In essence, we are saying, "I know that I know best, and so the decision is out of your hands." John Gottman found that in most cases, this instance of pride is most often manifest in husbands, rather than wives, and that of the husbands who refuse to accept influence from their wives, 81% will end up divorced (Gottman, 116).

I am fortunate enough to be in a marriage where my husband and I equally accept influence from one another. In most small decisions, and in every important decision, we consult one another. We respect the opinions and values of one another, and so we really listen to what the other has to say, and we wait to make a decision until we both feel happy with the outcome. That is one of the strengths of our marriage. However, to say that we don't struggle from pride at all would be untrue. At times, we are irritated with one another. My husband loves a tidy house, and often feels frustrated when he returns to a messy one. I love to be validated, and often feel cheated when I don't feel that my husband has expressed any thanks, when I believe I have earned it. In each case, we are suffering from pride: my husband, for feeling that he deserves certain service, and me, for feeling that I deserve praise.

So what is the solution? According to Gottman, the answers lie in finding common ground when making decisions, and conveying honor and respect (Gottman, 117-188). Obviously, to either compromise or reach consensus, humility is essential. And as for conveying honor and respect, those must be cultivated: they must exist.

How do we nurture honor and respect for our spouse if we are struggling with pride? The answer lies in repentance. Goddard asserted that "turning to God in faith and repentance is the cure for pride and self-centeredness" (72). To repent, we have to recognize that by esteeming ourselves over our spouses, we have been guilty of pride. The next step is to take that burden to the Lord, and acknowledge that we cannot make ourselves whole: we need the Lord to heal us. That in itself requires humility, both in admitting that we have done wrong (not our spouse), and that we cannot fix things on our own.

It is a difficult struggle, to try to reject our natural tendencies, and it will likely be a lifelong one. But this I do know: marriage is worth it.

Sources:

Benson, E. T. (1989). Beware of pride. Ensign.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.

Enhancing Marriage: Turning Toward

I want to talk about a simple practice that can make your marriage stronger today: turning toward your spouse.

Turning toward each other, according to John Gottman, is a matter of choosing to connect with your partner rather than disconnect. Our relationships, in marriage, families, and friendships, are replete with bids for attention. These can be as simple as a wife venting about her frustrations that day, a husband asking his wife out on a date, or a child insisting, "Watch me!" It is a person's way of attempting to engage someone else. When a bid for attention is answered by turning toward one another (the husband hugs his wife and comforts her, the wife sets aside other plans to go out with her husband instead, and the parent chooses to put down his or her phone to watch the child's trick), the individual who sought attention in the first place is essentially being told, "I care about you." John Gottman wrote, "Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I've come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that... can serve as a cushion when times get rough... Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times." As he extolled the virtues of turning toward each other, he also stated that it is a relatively simple thing to do. Yet why do many of us miss these bids for attention?

Gottman shared two obstacles to this practice: missing a bid because it is accompanied with negative emotion, and technological distraction.

Many times, when partners are feeling frustrated or lonely, a bid for attention may be colored by what they are feeling. A wife who has had a difficult day may gripe, "Can't you just take care of the dishes while I put the kids down?" Her husband may automatically feel defensive and snap back at his wife, rather than realizing that she is communicating a need. However, if he tries to understand what she needs behind the negative emotion, he may come to see that a soft answer, a helping hand, and a hug will dispel the tension. Gottman recommends that we "focus on the bid, not the delivery."

Technology is a modern problem that has essentially supplied eternally distracting machines into the palms of our hands. If we are caught up with the games, social media, or news that continually multiply on our smart phones, tablets, or computers, it is more than likely that we will miss the subtle cues our partners give us that they want to share our time and attention.

Something that I've noticed in my own marriage that can make it difficult to pick up on bids for attention is when my husband and I are both experiencing negative emotion. Our frustration is usually a result of fatigue more than conflict with one another. However, when we try to reach out for each other, but are both feeling a bit on edge, and maybe a little self-absorbed, we only notice when our bids are not taken, and fail to notice that the other partner is trying just as hard to obtain comfort and connection. The solution to a problem like this is to be more Christ-like. Forget about yourself, and pay more attention to your partner's needs than your own. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion." If we are always "anxiously concerned" for our companion, instead of focusing inward, we will find greater satisfaction in our marriages.

Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.

Hinckley, G. "What god hath joined together," Ensign, May 1991, 73-74.