So how does this relate to marriage? As I studied President Benson's address, and both Gottman's and Goddard's work, I found that pride can do much to damage a marital relationship, where humility and repentance can often solve grievous issues in a marriage.
According to Goddard, we can recognize the presence of pride "when we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse". This is because "the natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others" (Goddard, 69). Our natural, fallen, prideful selves will always compare ourselves against others, and will always find more faults in everyone else. In a marriage, we often justify our own behaviors, but are quick to judge the actions (or inaction) of a spouse. Whenever we are feeling irritated with our spouse, our emotion is evidence that we believe ourselves to be superior to them (even if that belief is temporary).
Pride in a marriage can also manifest itself in the refusal to accept influence from our spouse. In essence, we are saying, "I know that I know best, and so the decision is out of your hands." John Gottman found that in most cases, this instance of pride is most often manifest in husbands, rather than wives, and that of the husbands who refuse to accept influence from their wives, 81% will end up divorced (Gottman, 116).
I am fortunate enough to be in a marriage where my husband and I equally accept influence from one another. In most small decisions, and in every important decision, we consult one another. We respect the opinions and values of one another, and so we really listen to what the other has to say, and we wait to make a decision until we both feel happy with the outcome. That is one of the strengths of our marriage. However, to say that we don't struggle from pride at all would be untrue. At times, we are irritated with one another. My husband loves a tidy house, and often feels frustrated when he returns to a messy one. I love to be validated, and often feel cheated when I don't feel that my husband has expressed any thanks, when I believe I have earned it. In each case, we are suffering from pride: my husband, for feeling that he deserves certain service, and me, for feeling that I deserve praise.
So what is the solution? According to Gottman, the answers lie in finding common ground when making decisions, and conveying honor and respect (Gottman, 117-188). Obviously, to either compromise or reach consensus, humility is essential. And as for conveying honor and respect, those must be cultivated: they must exist.
How do we nurture honor and respect for our spouse if we are struggling with pride? The answer lies in repentance. Goddard asserted that "turning to God in faith and repentance is the cure for pride and self-centeredness" (72). To repent, we have to recognize that by esteeming ourselves over our spouses, we have been guilty of pride. The next step is to take that burden to the Lord, and acknowledge that we cannot make ourselves whole: we need the Lord to heal us. That in itself requires humility, both in admitting that we have done wrong (not our spouse), and that we cannot fix things on our own.
It is a difficult struggle, to try to reject our natural tendencies, and it will likely be a lifelong one. But this I do know: marriage is worth it.
Sources:
Benson, E. T. (1989). Beware of pride. Ensign.
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.
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