In-Law Relationships

While I grew up on the same street as my husband's family, before marriage, I think I was ill-prepared for making my relationship with them work. I had always liked the family, but marrying into it required much more effort on my part (and my in-laws) to make our relationships work. There were quite a few things that my husband's family did differently from mine. Their Sabbath-day activities were different from the ones my family had expected of us. They put more emphasis on gifts, celebrations, and traditions. They were much more connected and interdependent than my family. Their brand of humor was distinct from my family's. I was bewildered by all the differences, and sometimes felt a bit lost at family functions.

However, I am happy to say that the differences in our families have actually provided a good source of discussion for my husband and I. We are able to look at our distinct families and choose what qualities we want to bring from each of our families of origin to our family of creation. We like my family's Sunday traditions and more lenient approach to attendance to family activities. We like that my husband's family is more consistent with holiday traditions, and more open when it comes to communication. And there are many aspects of our families that we appreciate, but feel could use moderation.

While we look at our families' traits and pick and choose which ones we would like to cultivate, we are also able to enjoy time spent with each family. We recognize that each has strengths and weaknesses that the other may not have, but we appreciate them for their uniqueness, and what they have contributed to our growth.

My side of the family

My husband's side of the family

James Harper and Suzanne Frost Olsen, director and co-director of the BYU School of Family Life, gave some advice about cultivating relationships with in-laws in the book Helping and Healing Our Families. To parents-in-law, they advise that they will do well to "accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law by creating opportunities to spend time one-on-one."

To those who marry into new families, it would be wise to keep in mind what one married woman said: "When I met [his] parents... I didn't agree with them on religion, politics, or even how to cook a pot roast. I really wasn't even sure if I liked them. But then I had to remember they had raised [my husband] and I loved him, so there must be something good about them. At that point, I began to enjoy their differences, and to love them, too."

Sources:

Hart, C. H. (2005). Helping and healing our families: principles and practices inspired by the family: a proclamation to the world. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.