Power & Unity

According to Richard Miller, the director of the School of Family Life at BYU, "The issues of power, control, and hierarchy are important in families. Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems." Power, control, and hierarchy are evident in decision-making, conversation, and day-to-day family life. We saw how unequal power sharing (particularly men holding more power than their wives) can lead to problems in marriage.

If power can be such an issue among families, what is the right balance of power, and how do you reach it? Richard Miller gave a few guidelines.

The first is that parents should be the leaders of the family. While accepting input and influence from children in decision-making is not wrong, parents should have the final say in family rules and routines, and should hold their children to the standards they create. This also means that parents should be united. They should not side with children, or look outside the family for answers. A husband and wife should rely on and support one another in the decisions they make together. And while parents should lead their children in their youth, once children are grown, they must become autonomous. Parents may still create and enforce family rules and expectations in their own home, but their authority over their adult children ends there. And finally, parents should be equal partners in their relationship. While they may fulfill different roles (ideally with the husband principally providing for and protecting his family, and the wife principally nurturing their children), they should help one another equally in their responsibilities, and reach a consensus that is mutually satisfying to both when making decisions.

I am fortunate enough to be married to a man who has always regarded my thoughts and opinions as valuable and vital to decision-making in our marriage. Neither of us is comfortable with making important decisions without the consent of the other. A somewhat frivolous example of this happened about a week ago. My mother-in-law loves to spoil her family with gifts at Christmas. When she asked my husband what he wanted this year, he suggested some money to spend on clothes. When she found a good Black Friday deal on an X-Box, she texted me and asked whether I thought he would prefer that over the money for clothes. I knew she wanted it to be a surprise, but I felt it was so much money that I had to consult my husband about it. It may seem insignificant, but in those moments when we show that we care about the other spouse's thoughts, we share the power in our family and demonstrate our love and respect for one another.



Sources:

Miller, R. B. (2008, March 28). Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Marriage. Address presented at BYU Conference on Family Life in Utah, Provo.

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