Dreams & Charity

A metaproblem that many couples face is gridlock. According to Gottman, gridlock occurs when a recurring problem becomes difficult for a couple to manage or live with. You can tell when an issue in your marriage has become gridlocked if it has the following four characteristics:

1. The argument is recurring.
2. The issue is never addressed with "humor, empathy, or affection."
3. It becomes "increasingly polarizing" with time.
4. Compromise appears to require "giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self" (237).

As you improve in other areas of your marriage, including improving your friendship, cherishing your spouse, and creating shared meaning, it will be easier and more natural to avoid gridlock. Some practical tips that Gottman offers for dealing with gridlock include recognizing that recurring problems are created because one or both partners have dreams that the other "isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect" (238). The way to clear up gridlock, then, is to become aware of each other's dreams, acknowledge them and respect them. This involves an honest interest in each other's dreams, listening without judgement, and sharing your own dreams candidly. While these types of problems will likely never be completely solved, finding middle ground and respecting one another's dreams is key to keep a recurring problem from destroying a marriage.

As important as these skills are, there is a characteristic that, if cultivated, will not only make such skills more natural, but should prevent gridlock entirely. This characteristic is charity.

In Moroni 7:46-47, we read, "...If ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail- But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever." If charity is the pure love of Christ, then the only perfect example we have to turn to is Christ Himself. In His ministry, He did not confine Himself to "righteous" company. He ate with publicans and sinners. He approached lepers and healed them. He showed compassion on a woman caught in the act of adultery, clever lawyers attempting to disgrace Him, and even the very men who crucified Him.

How does that sort of love translate into a marriage? We are not so unlike the sinners that Christ treated with understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. In Romans 3:23 we read, "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." We are all in need of the sort of love that Christ demonstrated every moment of His life. If we feel that longing for acceptance and compassion, it shouldn't be hard to understand that our spouses crave that same love. As we choose to focus more on the godly characteristics that made us love our spouses in the first place, rather than the small flaws that all of us have, we will be choosing a more godly marriage, characterized by the pure love of Christ.

Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.

KJV Holy Bible.