Managing Conflict

As anyone who is married knows, no marriage is free of problems. According to John Gottman, these problems can either be solvable, or perpetual. Obviously, solvable problems seem much more desirable: there's something excruciating about the phrase "perpetual problems". Unfortunately, Gottman says that about 69% of marital problems are perpetual (138).

As I studied about problem-solving in marriage, I reflected on my own marriage and realized that many of our arguments are recurring. For example: I'm a creative person who can work with a little mess without feeling too frustrated. My husband is organized, proactive, and neat. These are aspects of one another that drew us to each other, and that we still cherish. However, it also sets the stage for conflict. I can live with some mess, and my husband would rather not. Another is the way we express love: my husband likes to perform service for me, and I like to spend quality time together. Sometimes, we fail to fully appreciate the attempts of the other to demonstrate affection. Many of our conflicts revolve around these issues, and while we may both bend a bit to try to suit the other person, neither of us are going to experience a major personality change in the near (or far) future.

So what do you do about it? Give up on marriage because you'll never be problem-free? John Gottman shares a few practical examples of couples who manage to keep perpetual problems from overwhelming them. One couple not only grins and bears it, but manages to find humor in it. Another brings up the problem often so it doesn't become too overwhelming.

A more spiritual view of facing these problems comes from Wallace Goddard. He cites consecration, or giving your best, as the solution. "Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration... we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls" (103). Rather than viewing our perpetual problems as merely sore spots in our marriage, we can make them into opportunities to give a little more of ourselves to improve not only our marriages, but ourselves.

Sources:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.