In-Law Relationships

While I grew up on the same street as my husband's family, before marriage, I think I was ill-prepared for making my relationship with them work. I had always liked the family, but marrying into it required much more effort on my part (and my in-laws) to make our relationships work. There were quite a few things that my husband's family did differently from mine. Their Sabbath-day activities were different from the ones my family had expected of us. They put more emphasis on gifts, celebrations, and traditions. They were much more connected and interdependent than my family. Their brand of humor was distinct from my family's. I was bewildered by all the differences, and sometimes felt a bit lost at family functions.

However, I am happy to say that the differences in our families have actually provided a good source of discussion for my husband and I. We are able to look at our distinct families and choose what qualities we want to bring from each of our families of origin to our family of creation. We like my family's Sunday traditions and more lenient approach to attendance to family activities. We like that my husband's family is more consistent with holiday traditions, and more open when it comes to communication. And there are many aspects of our families that we appreciate, but feel could use moderation.

While we look at our families' traits and pick and choose which ones we would like to cultivate, we are also able to enjoy time spent with each family. We recognize that each has strengths and weaknesses that the other may not have, but we appreciate them for their uniqueness, and what they have contributed to our growth.

My side of the family

My husband's side of the family

James Harper and Suzanne Frost Olsen, director and co-director of the BYU School of Family Life, gave some advice about cultivating relationships with in-laws in the book Helping and Healing Our Families. To parents-in-law, they advise that they will do well to "accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law by creating opportunities to spend time one-on-one."

To those who marry into new families, it would be wise to keep in mind what one married woman said: "When I met [his] parents... I didn't agree with them on religion, politics, or even how to cook a pot roast. I really wasn't even sure if I liked them. But then I had to remember they had raised [my husband] and I loved him, so there must be something good about them. At that point, I began to enjoy their differences, and to love them, too."

Sources:

Hart, C. H. (2005). Helping and healing our families: principles and practices inspired by the family: a proclamation to the world. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Power & Unity

According to Richard Miller, the director of the School of Family Life at BYU, "The issues of power, control, and hierarchy are important in families. Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems." Power, control, and hierarchy are evident in decision-making, conversation, and day-to-day family life. We saw how unequal power sharing (particularly men holding more power than their wives) can lead to problems in marriage.

If power can be such an issue among families, what is the right balance of power, and how do you reach it? Richard Miller gave a few guidelines.

The first is that parents should be the leaders of the family. While accepting input and influence from children in decision-making is not wrong, parents should have the final say in family rules and routines, and should hold their children to the standards they create. This also means that parents should be united. They should not side with children, or look outside the family for answers. A husband and wife should rely on and support one another in the decisions they make together. And while parents should lead their children in their youth, once children are grown, they must become autonomous. Parents may still create and enforce family rules and expectations in their own home, but their authority over their adult children ends there. And finally, parents should be equal partners in their relationship. While they may fulfill different roles (ideally with the husband principally providing for and protecting his family, and the wife principally nurturing their children), they should help one another equally in their responsibilities, and reach a consensus that is mutually satisfying to both when making decisions.

I am fortunate enough to be married to a man who has always regarded my thoughts and opinions as valuable and vital to decision-making in our marriage. Neither of us is comfortable with making important decisions without the consent of the other. A somewhat frivolous example of this happened about a week ago. My mother-in-law loves to spoil her family with gifts at Christmas. When she asked my husband what he wanted this year, he suggested some money to spend on clothes. When she found a good Black Friday deal on an X-Box, she texted me and asked whether I thought he would prefer that over the money for clothes. I knew she wanted it to be a surprise, but I felt it was so much money that I had to consult my husband about it. It may seem insignificant, but in those moments when we show that we care about the other spouse's thoughts, we share the power in our family and demonstrate our love and respect for one another.



Sources:

Miller, R. B. (2008, March 28). Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Marriage. Address presented at BYU Conference on Family Life in Utah, Provo.

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