Enhancing Marriage: Turning Toward

I want to talk about a simple practice that can make your marriage stronger today: turning toward your spouse.

Turning toward each other, according to John Gottman, is a matter of choosing to connect with your partner rather than disconnect. Our relationships, in marriage, families, and friendships, are replete with bids for attention. These can be as simple as a wife venting about her frustrations that day, a husband asking his wife out on a date, or a child insisting, "Watch me!" It is a person's way of attempting to engage someone else. When a bid for attention is answered by turning toward one another (the husband hugs his wife and comforts her, the wife sets aside other plans to go out with her husband instead, and the parent chooses to put down his or her phone to watch the child's trick), the individual who sought attention in the first place is essentially being told, "I care about you." John Gottman wrote, "Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I've come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that... can serve as a cushion when times get rough... Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times." As he extolled the virtues of turning toward each other, he also stated that it is a relatively simple thing to do. Yet why do many of us miss these bids for attention?

Gottman shared two obstacles to this practice: missing a bid because it is accompanied with negative emotion, and technological distraction.

Many times, when partners are feeling frustrated or lonely, a bid for attention may be colored by what they are feeling. A wife who has had a difficult day may gripe, "Can't you just take care of the dishes while I put the kids down?" Her husband may automatically feel defensive and snap back at his wife, rather than realizing that she is communicating a need. However, if he tries to understand what she needs behind the negative emotion, he may come to see that a soft answer, a helping hand, and a hug will dispel the tension. Gottman recommends that we "focus on the bid, not the delivery."

Technology is a modern problem that has essentially supplied eternally distracting machines into the palms of our hands. If we are caught up with the games, social media, or news that continually multiply on our smart phones, tablets, or computers, it is more than likely that we will miss the subtle cues our partners give us that they want to share our time and attention.

Something that I've noticed in my own marriage that can make it difficult to pick up on bids for attention is when my husband and I are both experiencing negative emotion. Our frustration is usually a result of fatigue more than conflict with one another. However, when we try to reach out for each other, but are both feeling a bit on edge, and maybe a little self-absorbed, we only notice when our bids are not taken, and fail to notice that the other partner is trying just as hard to obtain comfort and connection. The solution to a problem like this is to be more Christ-like. Forget about yourself, and pay more attention to your partner's needs than your own. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion." If we are always "anxiously concerned" for our companion, instead of focusing inward, we will find greater satisfaction in our marriages.

Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.

Hinckley, G. "What god hath joined together," Ensign, May 1991, 73-74.

Enhancing Marriage: Love Maps

In the last post, I shared some things to avoid in marriage (Gottman's four horsemen), as well as a suggestion of what to develop to improve marriage (becoming more Christlike). In this post, I would like to explore another tool that we can use to improve our marriages: love maps.

According to John Gottman, a love map is "that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life". Relevant information may include knowing what your partner likes to order at their favorite restaurant (for my husband it's country fried steak at Texas Roadhouse), what your partner's career goals are (to become an air traffic controller), or what their least favorite chore is around the house (mopping). Love maps help us to navigate with our spouse through difficulties. Gottman asserts that "without such a love map, you can't really know your spouse. And if you don't really know someone, how can you truly love them?"

Do you remember what it was like when you were first dating the person you now share your life with? I vividly remember what it was like to fall in love with my husband in high school. We had grown up across the street from each other, had been in the same grade and school since kindergarten, went to the same class in church, and shared most of our friends. Even though we had known each other for a lifetime, as I grew to care for him on a romantic level, suddenly I couldn't seem to learn enough about him. I wanted to know all that he hoped for himself in the future, to learn about all of his favorite pastimes, and to memorize every little quirk that made him Alex.

Here is one of the strong points in our marriage: our deep interest in one another, first fostered in high school, still remains strong. The same things that continue to expand our love maps of one another can be utilized in any marriage. Describing a couple with a strong love map, Gottman explained, "No matter how busy they were, they made each other their priority- always taking the time to catch up on each other's day. And at least once a week, they'd go out... and just talk." When was the last time you asked your spouse how their day was, and really listened to his answer? Or asked her how she progressing toward a cherished goal, and whether or not you could help her?

I cannot claim to have a perfect marriage (and I doubt anyone could), but my marriage is strengthened through the love map that my husband and I have for each other. When we tested ourselves on one of the activities for enhancing love maps created by Gottman, we knew each other intimately: from deep-seated beliefs and fears to daily stresses and pleasures. And knowing one another deeply only makes us love and appreciate one another more.

I'm including one of Gottman's exercises: how well do you and your spouse know one another? If you find that your love maps may be underdeveloped or out of date, take a little time each day to become reacquainted.

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Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.

Building a Better Marriage

In the secular world, and even in many religions, marriage is "until death", but I have shared the LDS doctrine that marriage is meant to be eternal. Yet we know that 50% of marriages end in divorce, not even lasting until death. If we intend to have a lasting marriage, particularly an eternal one, then we have to work against the forces that drive us apart, and work toward a better marriage.

John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and social scientist set out to discover what makes marriages succeed or fail, using a more objective, scientific approach. Studying the interactions of scores of couples, he claims to have found the secrets.

Emotionally intelligent marriages tend to succeed. These are marriages that are founded on deep, abiding friendship, where positive words and gestures outnumbered negative ones at a ratio of 5:1. In such a relationship, the dreams and hopes of each are known, understood, and supported, and they love, respect, and admire one another. My husband and I are fortunate enough to have a marriage founded on a lifetime of friendship. One of our greatest strengths lies in the fact that we have not only enjoyed a long friendship, but we continue to cultivate it by frequently sharing our hopes and fears, and the details of our day to day lives. It keeps us connected and reminded of why we married one another in the first place.

In contrast, marriages that fail tend to be encumbered by negative interactions. There are four specific red flags in interactions that Gottman could reliably use to predict imminent divorce (if no change took place). He referred to these as "the Four Horsemen" of the apocalypse.

The first of these is criticism. Gottman distinguished complaint from criticism by explaining that complaint "focuses on a specific behavior or event", while criticism "expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality." For example, if I were to say to my husband, "I wish you had loaded the dishwasher last night like you said you would. It really bothers me to have a sink full of dishes," that would be an example of a complaint. However, if I were to say, "You never remember to do the dishes. You really don't care about helping me out, do you?" that would be a direct attack on his character, and therefore would be criticism.

The second is contempt, which Gottman defines as "a sense of superiority over one's partner". This can be seen in sneers, sarcasm, cynicism, "name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery and hostile humor". As is apparent, this is even more damaging than criticism to a relationship. It kills trust and confidence and undermines friendship.

The third is defensiveness, which requires little explanation. It is any attempt to remove blame from oneself, and often place it at the feet of the other partner.

The fourth and last "horseman" is stonewalling. This is when one partner withdraws from the other, in an attempt to avoid conflict altogether. They "shut out" the other person, disengaging not only from conflict, but from their partner.

Gottman's findings help us to understand what we need to cultivate in our marriages, and what to avoid with our partners, but they are incomplete. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard proposed that what we truly need in a lasting marriage is conversion. He wrote, "the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person- to be born again- to be a new creature in Christ." He claimed that a "good marriage is not about skills. It is about character." In other words, the real secret to a lasting marriage is not to become more knowledgeable about marriage, but to become more humble, loving and forgiving: to become more like Christ.

Sources:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York. 

The Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

In a world of shifting values and morals, it is comforting to know that God and His laws do not change. One of the most comforting doctrines of the LDS church is that marriage between a man and a woman is not only important in this life, but essential in eternity, and meant to last forever. In the words of David A. Bednar, a latter-day apostle, "Righteous marriage is a commandment and an essential step in the process of creating a loving family relationship that can be perpetuated beyond the grave." For such a marriage to last beyond death, it must take place in the temple, as a covenant between the man, the woman, and the Lord, and sealed by the power of the restored priesthood.

As the apostle Paul states in 1 Corinthians 11:11, "...neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord." David A. Bednar further explained this when he said, "For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary." Despite what modern society currently professes, men and women are different by nature. Each is endowed with different strengths, and each needs the other to be complete in eternity. We have been put on earth to progress, but our progression, learning, and growth do not stop there. One day, we are meant to become like our Heavenly Father, in power, understanding, and creation. We can only reach that potential as a man and a woman, married and sealed for eternity.

The idea of an eternal marriage may seem foreign in today's world. The individualism and independence that is so glorified today can undermine the true joy that comes from caring for and relying on one another in marriage. Elder Bruce C. Hafen compared what is common in society, a "contractual marriage", with what marriage ought to be, a "covenant marriage": "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God." He taught that every marriage faces challenges, which can be summarized into three types of adversity: excessive individualism, natural adversity, and each person's imperfections. 

My husband and I have a wonderful, if imperfect, marriage, and together we have been tried by different challenges. We faced natural adversity when we lost our first pregnancy in miscarriage, and when our daughter was born a month early and had an extended stay in the NICU. Our own imperfections try us: I am sure my husband finds me impatient, disorganized, and at times a bit feisty. However, through all these trials, we remember that we made a promise, not only to each other, but to the Lord, to remain faithful and to love one another. We also know that we did not only marry to find our own happiness, but to provide a safe, loving home for the children we bring into this world. That knowledge bears us up, and binds us together. Our greatest happiness is knowing that through the priesthood, the holy temple, and our covenants, we can be together forever.

Sources:

Hafen, Bruce C., “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov 1996, 26.

Bednar, David A., "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan," June 2006.