Building a Better Marriage

In the secular world, and even in many religions, marriage is "until death", but I have shared the LDS doctrine that marriage is meant to be eternal. Yet we know that 50% of marriages end in divorce, not even lasting until death. If we intend to have a lasting marriage, particularly an eternal one, then we have to work against the forces that drive us apart, and work toward a better marriage.

John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and social scientist set out to discover what makes marriages succeed or fail, using a more objective, scientific approach. Studying the interactions of scores of couples, he claims to have found the secrets.

Emotionally intelligent marriages tend to succeed. These are marriages that are founded on deep, abiding friendship, where positive words and gestures outnumbered negative ones at a ratio of 5:1. In such a relationship, the dreams and hopes of each are known, understood, and supported, and they love, respect, and admire one another. My husband and I are fortunate enough to have a marriage founded on a lifetime of friendship. One of our greatest strengths lies in the fact that we have not only enjoyed a long friendship, but we continue to cultivate it by frequently sharing our hopes and fears, and the details of our day to day lives. It keeps us connected and reminded of why we married one another in the first place.

In contrast, marriages that fail tend to be encumbered by negative interactions. There are four specific red flags in interactions that Gottman could reliably use to predict imminent divorce (if no change took place). He referred to these as "the Four Horsemen" of the apocalypse.

The first of these is criticism. Gottman distinguished complaint from criticism by explaining that complaint "focuses on a specific behavior or event", while criticism "expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality." For example, if I were to say to my husband, "I wish you had loaded the dishwasher last night like you said you would. It really bothers me to have a sink full of dishes," that would be an example of a complaint. However, if I were to say, "You never remember to do the dishes. You really don't care about helping me out, do you?" that would be a direct attack on his character, and therefore would be criticism.

The second is contempt, which Gottman defines as "a sense of superiority over one's partner". This can be seen in sneers, sarcasm, cynicism, "name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery and hostile humor". As is apparent, this is even more damaging than criticism to a relationship. It kills trust and confidence and undermines friendship.

The third is defensiveness, which requires little explanation. It is any attempt to remove blame from oneself, and often place it at the feet of the other partner.

The fourth and last "horseman" is stonewalling. This is when one partner withdraws from the other, in an attempt to avoid conflict altogether. They "shut out" the other person, disengaging not only from conflict, but from their partner.

Gottman's findings help us to understand what we need to cultivate in our marriages, and what to avoid with our partners, but they are incomplete. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard proposed that what we truly need in a lasting marriage is conversion. He wrote, "the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person- to be born again- to be a new creature in Christ." He claimed that a "good marriage is not about skills. It is about character." In other words, the real secret to a lasting marriage is not to become more knowledgeable about marriage, but to become more humble, loving and forgiving: to become more like Christ.

Sources:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.