In the last post, I shared some things to avoid in marriage (Gottman's four horsemen), as well as a suggestion of what to develop to improve marriage (becoming more Christlike). In this post, I would like to explore another tool that we can use to improve our marriages: love maps.
According to John Gottman, a love map is "that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life". Relevant information may include knowing what your partner likes to order at their favorite restaurant (for my husband it's country fried steak at Texas Roadhouse), what your partner's career goals are (to become an air traffic controller), or what their least favorite chore is around the house (mopping). Love maps help us to navigate with our spouse through difficulties. Gottman asserts that "without such a love map, you can't really know your spouse. And if you don't really know someone, how can you truly love them?"
Do you remember what it was like when you were first dating the person you now share your life with? I vividly remember what it was like to fall in love with my husband in high school. We had grown up across the street from each other, had been in the same grade and school since kindergarten, went to the same class in church, and shared most of our friends. Even though we had known each other for a lifetime, as I grew to care for him on a romantic level, suddenly I couldn't seem to learn enough about him. I wanted to know all that he hoped for himself in the future, to learn about all of his favorite pastimes, and to memorize every little quirk that made him Alex.
Here is one of the strong points in our marriage: our deep interest in one another, first fostered in high school, still remains strong. The same things that continue to expand our love maps of one another can be utilized in any marriage. Describing a couple with a strong love map, Gottman explained, "No matter how busy they were, they made each other their priority- always taking the time to catch up on each other's day. And at least once a week, they'd go out... and just talk." When was the last time you asked your spouse how their day was, and really listened to his answer? Or asked her how she progressing toward a cherished goal, and whether or not you could help her?
I cannot claim to have a perfect marriage (and I doubt anyone could), but my marriage is strengthened through the love map that my husband and I have for each other. When we tested ourselves on one of the activities for enhancing love maps created by Gottman, we knew each other intimately: from deep-seated beliefs and fears to daily stresses and pleasures. And knowing one another deeply only makes us love and appreciate one another more.
I'm including one of Gottman's exercises: how well do you and your spouse know one another? If you find that your love maps may be underdeveloped or out of date, take a little time each day to become reacquainted.
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Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.
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