Turning toward each other, according to John Gottman, is a matter of choosing to connect with your partner rather than disconnect. Our relationships, in marriage, families, and friendships, are replete with bids for attention. These can be as simple as a wife venting about her frustrations that day, a husband asking his wife out on a date, or a child insisting, "Watch me!" It is a person's way of attempting to engage someone else. When a bid for attention is answered by turning toward one another (the husband hugs his wife and comforts her, the wife sets aside other plans to go out with her husband instead, and the parent chooses to put down his or her phone to watch the child's trick), the individual who sought attention in the first place is essentially being told, "I care about you." John Gottman wrote, "Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I've come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that... can serve as a cushion when times get rough... Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times." As he extolled the virtues of turning toward each other, he also stated that it is a relatively simple thing to do. Yet why do many of us miss these bids for attention?
Gottman shared two obstacles to this practice: missing a bid because it is accompanied with negative emotion, and technological distraction.
Many times, when partners are feeling frustrated or lonely, a bid for attention may be colored by what they are feeling. A wife who has had a difficult day may gripe, "Can't you just take care of the dishes while I put the kids down?" Her husband may automatically feel defensive and snap back at his wife, rather than realizing that she is communicating a need. However, if he tries to understand what she needs behind the negative emotion, he may come to see that a soft answer, a helping hand, and a hug will dispel the tension. Gottman recommends that we "focus on the bid, not the delivery."
Technology is a modern problem that has essentially supplied eternally distracting machines into the palms of our hands. If we are caught up with the games, social media, or news that continually multiply on our smart phones, tablets, or computers, it is more than likely that we will miss the subtle cues our partners give us that they want to share our time and attention.
Something that I've noticed in my own marriage that can make it difficult to pick up on bids for attention is when my husband and I are both experiencing negative emotion. Our frustration is usually a result of fatigue more than conflict with one another. However, when we try to reach out for each other, but are both feeling a bit on edge, and maybe a little self-absorbed, we only notice when our bids are not taken, and fail to notice that the other partner is trying just as hard to obtain comfort and connection. The solution to a problem like this is to be more Christ-like. Forget about yourself, and pay more attention to your partner's needs than your own. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion." If we are always "anxiously concerned" for our companion, instead of focusing inward, we will find greater satisfaction in our marriages.
Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.
Hinckley, G. "What god hath joined together," Ensign, May 1991, 73-74.
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