While I grew up on the same street as my husband's family, before marriage, I think I was ill-prepared for making my relationship with them work. I had always liked the family, but marrying into it required much more effort on my part (and my in-laws) to make our relationships work. There were quite a few things that my husband's family did differently from mine. Their Sabbath-day activities were different from the ones my family had expected of us. They put more emphasis on gifts, celebrations, and traditions. They were much more connected and interdependent than my family. Their brand of humor was distinct from my family's. I was bewildered by all the differences, and sometimes felt a bit lost at family functions.
However, I am happy to say that the differences in our families have actually provided a good source of discussion for my husband and I. We are able to look at our distinct families and choose what qualities we want to bring from each of our families of origin to our family of creation. We like my family's Sunday traditions and more lenient approach to attendance to family activities. We like that my husband's family is more consistent with holiday traditions, and more open when it comes to communication. And there are many aspects of our families that we appreciate, but feel could use moderation.
While we look at our families' traits and pick and choose which ones we would like to cultivate, we are also able to enjoy time spent with each family. We recognize that each has strengths and weaknesses that the other may not have, but we appreciate them for their uniqueness, and what they have contributed to our growth.
My side of the family
My husband's side of the family
James Harper and Suzanne Frost Olsen, director and co-director of the BYU School of Family Life, gave some advice about cultivating relationships with in-laws in the book Helping and Healing Our Families. To parents-in-law, they advise that they will do well to "accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law by creating opportunities to spend time one-on-one."
To those who marry into new families, it would be wise to keep in mind what one married woman said: "When I met [his] parents... I didn't agree with them on religion, politics, or even how to cook a pot roast. I really wasn't even sure if I liked them. But then I had to remember they had raised [my husband] and I loved him, so there must be something good about them. At that point, I began to enjoy their differences, and to love them, too."
Sources:
Hart, C. H. (2005). Helping and healing our families: principles and practices inspired by the family: a proclamation to the world. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.
According to Richard Miller, the director of the School of Family Life at BYU, "The issues of power, control, and hierarchy are important in families. Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems." Power, control, and hierarchy are evident in decision-making, conversation, and day-to-day family life. We saw how unequal power sharing (particularly men holding more power than their wives) can lead to problems in marriage.
If power can be such an issue among families, what is the right balance of power, and how do you reach it? Richard Miller gave a few guidelines.
The first is that parents should be the leaders of the family. While accepting input and influence from children in decision-making is not wrong, parents should have the final say in family rules and routines, and should hold their children to the standards they create. This also means that parents should be united. They should not side with children, or look outside the family for answers. A husband and wife should rely on and support one another in the decisions they make together. And while parents should lead their children in their youth, once children are grown, they must become autonomous. Parents may still create and enforce family rules and expectations in their own home, but their authority over their adult children ends there. And finally, parents should be equal partners in their relationship. While they may fulfill different roles (ideally with the husband principally providing for and protecting his family, and the wife principally nurturing their children), they should help one another equally in their responsibilities, and reach a consensus that is mutually satisfying to both when making decisions.
I am fortunate enough to be married to a man who has always regarded my thoughts and opinions as valuable and vital to decision-making in our marriage. Neither of us is comfortable with making important decisions without the consent of the other. A somewhat frivolous example of this happened about a week ago. My mother-in-law loves to spoil her family with gifts at Christmas. When she asked my husband what he wanted this year, he suggested some money to spend on clothes. When she found a good Black Friday deal on an X-Box, she texted me and asked whether I thought he would prefer that over the money for clothes. I knew she wanted it to be a surprise, but I felt it was so much money that I had to consult my husband about it. It may seem insignificant, but in those moments when we show that we care about the other spouse's thoughts, we share the power in our family and demonstrate our love and respect for one another.
Sources:
Miller, R. B. (2008, March 28). Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Marriage. Address presented at BYU Conference on Family Life in Utah, Provo.
For many from a conservative religious background, sexuality in marriage is a topic scarcely addressed at home or at church. More often, talks about sexuality center around the dangers of sex outside of marriage and the importance of abstinence. Marriage suddenly opens doors that were once locked, and many young couples find themselves at a loss in the new territory. I have to say that up until six months or so before my marriage, my own attitudes about sexuality were distorted by my own upbringing to the degree that the very idea of sex seemed dirty and depraved to me. I'm happy to say that after long conversations with my sisters and trusted married friends, and reading good Christian literature about intimacy in marriage, I was able to change my views, and come to accept sexuality as a beautiful and important part of marriage.
So what role should sexuality play in a marriage? In the first chapters of Genesis the Lord commands Adam and Eve to not only "multiply and replenish the earth" but to be "one flesh". Sexuality was to be a means not only of bringing children into the world, but to bind man and wife together as one. It's deeply symbolic of the absolute union of a couple, and of their love for one another. It allows a husband and wife to give of themselves for their spouse.
Although sexual expression in marriage can be beautiful and fulfilling, for many, it is a source of frustration. In my studies, I read a paper written by Sean E. Brotherson, PhD, and specialist in family life. He proposed that the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" for sexual fulfillment in marriage are "ignorance, inhibition, ill-will, and immorality".
The harm of ignorance in sexuality can be seen in situations like the one I suggested above. Not understanding the sacred, positive concept of healthy and loving sex in marriage can lead to an aversion to it. Some may refrain from learning more about their sexuality and that of their partner because they misunderstand it, and feel that any attempt to seek knowledge on the subject is immoral. Inhibition about discussing intimacy with a partner can also hinder the sexual fulfillment in a marriage. Brotherson recommends that such couples remember that the prophet President Lee said that intimacy is an "expression of true love in holy wedlock". It is not shameful, and any issues or concerns should be addressed within the marriage, and with a professional, if necessary. Ill-will, or any negative feelings within a marriage, particularly persistent ones, are certain to put the brakes on a couple's sex life. Intimacy, despite what modern culture may teach, is an intensely emotional experience. Negative emotions will taint sexual encounters or hinder them altogether. A couple must ensure that they not only solve negative experiences within the marriage, but take care to nurture positive ones to create an environment where sex is a further symbol of the love already expressed. Although Brotherson did not specifically address immorality in his paper, it should be clear to anyone in a marriage how damaging immorality can be to intimacy. It erodes the trust and the feeling of "oneness" that are at the heart of intimacy, and should be avoided entirely.
While intimacy can be challenging to many, if not all, couples at some point, with care, patience, and a desire to understand it, it can lead to deeper phsyical, emotional, mental, and spiritual connection.
Sources:
Brotherson, S. E. (2003). Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage. Meridian Magazine.
A metaproblem that many couples face is gridlock. According to Gottman, gridlock occurs when a recurring problem becomes difficult for a couple to manage or live with. You can tell when an issue in your marriage has become gridlocked if it has the following four characteristics:
1. The argument is recurring.
2. The issue is never addressed with "humor, empathy, or affection."
3. It becomes "increasingly polarizing" with time.
4. Compromise appears to require "giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self" (237).
As you improve in other areas of your marriage, including improving your friendship, cherishing your spouse, and creating shared meaning, it will be easier and more natural to avoid gridlock. Some practical tips that Gottman offers for dealing with gridlock include recognizing that recurring problems are created because one or both partners have dreams that the other "isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect" (238). The way to clear up gridlock, then, is to become aware of each other's dreams, acknowledge them and respect them. This involves an honest interest in each other's dreams, listening without judgement, and sharing your own dreams candidly. While these types of problems will likely never be completely solved, finding middle ground and respecting one another's dreams is key to keep a recurring problem from destroying a marriage.
As important as these skills are, there is a characteristic that, if cultivated, will not only make such skills more natural, but should prevent gridlock entirely. This characteristic is charity.
In Moroni 7:46-47, we read, "...If ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail- But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever." If charity is the pure love of Christ, then the only perfect example we have to turn to is Christ Himself. In His ministry, He did not confine Himself to "righteous" company. He ate with publicans and sinners. He approached lepers and healed them. He showed compassion on a woman caught in the act of adultery, clever lawyers attempting to disgrace Him, and even the very men who crucified Him.
How does that sort of love translate into a marriage? We are not so unlike the sinners that Christ treated with understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. In Romans 3:23 we read, "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." We are all in need of the sort of love that Christ demonstrated every moment of His life. If we feel that longing for acceptance and compassion, it shouldn't be hard to understand that our spouses crave that same love. As we choose to focus more on the godly characteristics that made us love our spouses in the first place, rather than the small flaws that all of us have, we will be choosing a more godly marriage, characterized by the pure love of Christ.
Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.
As anyone who is married knows, no marriage is free of problems. According to John Gottman, these problems can either be solvable, or perpetual. Obviously, solvable problems seem much more desirable: there's something excruciating about the phrase "perpetual problems". Unfortunately, Gottman says that about 69% of marital problems are perpetual (138).
As I studied about problem-solving in marriage, I reflected on my own marriage and realized that many of our arguments are recurring. For example: I'm a creative person who can work with a little mess without feeling too frustrated. My husband is organized, proactive, and neat. These are aspects of one another that drew us to each other, and that we still cherish. However, it also sets the stage for conflict. I can live with some mess, and my husband would rather not. Another is the way we express love: my husband likes to perform service for me, and I like to spend quality time together. Sometimes, we fail to fully appreciate the attempts of the other to demonstrate affection. Many of our conflicts revolve around these issues, and while we may both bend a bit to try to suit the other person, neither of us are going to experience a major personality change in the near (or far) future.
So what do you do about it? Give up on marriage because you'll never be problem-free? John Gottman shares a few practical examples of couples who manage to keep perpetual problems from overwhelming them. One couple not only grins and bears it, but manages to find humor in it. Another brings up the problem often so it doesn't become too overwhelming.
A more spiritual view of facing these problems comes from Wallace Goddard. He cites consecration, or giving your best, as the solution. "Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration... we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls" (103). Rather than viewing our perpetual problems as merely sore spots in our marriage, we can make them into opportunities to give a little more of ourselves to improve not only our marriages, but ourselves.
Sources:
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.
According to President Ezra Taft Benson, pride is a sin that many of us are unaware we are committing, yet it is at the heart of many, if not all, great sins. President Benson went on to explain, "The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.'"
So how does this relate to marriage? As I studied President Benson's address, and both Gottman's and Goddard's work, I found that pride can do much to damage a marital relationship, where humility and repentance can often solve grievous issues in a marriage.
According to Goddard, we can recognize the presence of pride "when we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse". This is because "the natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others" (Goddard, 69). Our natural, fallen, prideful selves will always compare ourselves against others, and will always find more faults in everyone else. In a marriage, we often justify our own behaviors, but are quick to judge the actions (or inaction) of a spouse. Whenever we are feeling irritated with our spouse, our emotion is evidence that we believe ourselves to be superior to them (even if that belief is temporary).
Pride in a marriage can also manifest itself in the refusal to accept influence from our spouse. In essence, we are saying, "I know that I know best, and so the decision is out of your hands." John Gottman found that in most cases, this instance of pride is most often manifest in husbands, rather than wives, and that of the husbands who refuse to accept influence from their wives, 81% will end up divorced (Gottman, 116).
I am fortunate enough to be in a marriage where my husband and I equally accept influence from one another. In most small decisions, and in every important decision, we consult one another. We respect the opinions and values of one another, and so we really listen to what the other has to say, and we wait to make a decision until we both feel happy with the outcome. That is one of the strengths of our marriage. However, to say that we don't struggle from pride at all would be untrue. At times, we are irritated with one another. My husband loves a tidy house, and often feels frustrated when he returns to a messy one. I love to be validated, and often feel cheated when I don't feel that my husband has expressed any thanks, when I believe I have earned it. In each case, we are suffering from pride: my husband, for feeling that he deserves certain service, and me, for feeling that I deserve praise.
So what is the solution? According to Gottman, the answers lie in finding common ground when making decisions, and conveying honor and respect (Gottman, 117-188). Obviously, to either compromise or reach consensus, humility is essential. And as for conveying honor and respect, those must be cultivated: they must exist.
How do we nurture honor and respect for our spouse if we are struggling with pride? The answer lies in repentance. Goddard asserted that "turning to God in faith and repentance is the cure for pride and self-centeredness" (72). To repent, we have to recognize that by esteeming ourselves over our spouses, we have been guilty of pride. The next step is to take that burden to the Lord, and acknowledge that we cannot make ourselves whole: we need the Lord to heal us. That in itself requires humility, both in admitting that we have done wrong (not our spouse), and that we cannot fix things on our own.
It is a difficult struggle, to try to reject our natural tendencies, and it will likely be a lifelong one. But this I do know: marriage is worth it.
Sources:
Benson, E. T. (1989). Beware of pride. Ensign.
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.
I want to talk about a simple practice that can make your marriage stronger today: turning toward your spouse.
Turning toward each other, according to John Gottman, is a matter of choosing to connect with your partner rather than disconnect. Our relationships, in marriage, families, and friendships, are replete with bids for attention. These can be as simple as a wife venting about her frustrations that day, a husband asking his wife out on a date, or a child insisting, "Watch me!" It is a person's way of attempting to engage someone else. When a bid for attention is answered by turning toward one another (the husband hugs his wife and comforts her, the wife sets aside other plans to go out with her husband instead, and the parent chooses to put down his or her phone to watch the child's trick), the individual who sought attention in the first place is essentially being told, "I care about you." John Gottman wrote, "Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I've come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that... can serve as a cushion when times get rough... Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times." As he extolled the virtues of turning toward each other, he also stated that it is a relatively simple thing to do. Yet why do many of us miss these bids for attention?
Gottman shared two obstacles to this practice: missing a bid because it is accompanied with negative emotion, and technological distraction.
Many times, when partners are feeling frustrated or lonely, a bid for attention may be colored by what they are feeling. A wife who has had a difficult day may gripe, "Can't you just take care of the dishes while I put the kids down?" Her husband may automatically feel defensive and snap back at his wife, rather than realizing that she is communicating a need. However, if he tries to understand what she needs behind the negative emotion, he may come to see that a soft answer, a helping hand, and a hug will dispel the tension. Gottman recommends that we "focus on the bid, not the delivery."
Technology is a modern problem that has essentially supplied eternally distracting machines into the palms of our hands. If we are caught up with the games, social media, or news that continually multiply on our smart phones, tablets, or computers, it is more than likely that we will miss the subtle cues our partners give us that they want to share our time and attention.
Something that I've noticed in my own marriage that can make it difficult to pick up on bids for attention is when my husband and I are both experiencing negative emotion. Our frustration is usually a result of fatigue more than conflict with one another. However, when we try to reach out for each other, but are both feeling a bit on edge, and maybe a little self-absorbed, we only notice when our bids are not taken, and fail to notice that the other partner is trying just as hard to obtain comfort and connection. The solution to a problem like this is to be more Christ-like. Forget about yourself, and pay more attention to your partner's needs than your own. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion." If we are always "anxiously concerned" for our companion, instead of focusing inward, we will find greater satisfaction in our marriages.
Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.
Hinckley, G. "What god hath joined together," Ensign, May 1991, 73-74.
In the last post, I shared some things to avoid in marriage (Gottman's four horsemen), as well as a suggestion of what to develop to improve marriage (becoming more Christlike). In this post, I would like to explore another tool that we can use to improve our marriages: love maps.
According to John Gottman, a love map is "that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life". Relevant information may include knowing what your partner likes to order at their favorite restaurant (for my husband it's country fried steak at Texas Roadhouse), what your partner's career goals are (to become an air traffic controller), or what their least favorite chore is around the house (mopping). Love maps help us to navigate with our spouse through difficulties. Gottman asserts that "without such a love map, you can't really know your spouse. And if you don't really know someone, how can you truly love them?"
Do you remember what it was like when you were first dating the person you now share your life with? I vividly remember what it was like to fall in love with my husband in high school. We had grown up across the street from each other, had been in the same grade and school since kindergarten, went to the same class in church, and shared most of our friends. Even though we had known each other for a lifetime, as I grew to care for him on a romantic level, suddenly I couldn't seem to learn enough about him. I wanted to know all that he hoped for himself in the future, to learn about all of his favorite pastimes, and to memorize every little quirk that made him Alex.
Here is one of the strong points in our marriage: our deep interest in one another, first fostered in high school, still remains strong. The same things that continue to expand our love maps of one another can be utilized in any marriage. Describing a couple with a strong love map, Gottman explained, "No matter how busy they were, they made each other their priority- always taking the time to catch up on each other's day. And at least once a week, they'd go out... and just talk." When was the last time you asked your spouse how their day was, and really listened to his answer? Or asked her how she progressing toward a cherished goal, and whether or not you could help her?
I cannot claim to have a perfect marriage (and I doubt anyone could), but my marriage is strengthened through the love map that my husband and I have for each other. When we tested ourselves on one of the activities for enhancing love maps created by Gottman, we knew each other intimately: from deep-seated beliefs and fears to daily stresses and pleasures. And knowing one another deeply only makes us love and appreciate one another more.
I'm including one of Gottman's exercises: how well do you and your spouse know one another? If you find that your love maps may be underdeveloped or out of date, take a little time each day to become reacquainted.
In the secular world, and even in many religions, marriage is "until death", but I have shared the LDS doctrine that marriage is meant to be eternal. Yet we know that 50% of marriages end in divorce, not even lasting until death. If we intend to have a lasting marriage, particularly an eternal one, then we have to work against the forces that drive us apart, and work toward a better marriage.
John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and social scientist set out to discover what makes marriages succeed or fail, using a more objective, scientific approach. Studying the interactions of scores of couples, he claims to have found the secrets.
Emotionally intelligent marriages tend to succeed. These are marriages that are founded on deep, abiding friendship, where positive words and gestures outnumbered negative ones at a ratio of 5:1. In such a relationship, the dreams and hopes of each are known, understood, and supported, and they love, respect, and admire one another. My husband and I are fortunate enough to have a marriage founded on a lifetime of friendship. One of our greatest strengths lies in the fact that we have not only enjoyed a long friendship, but we continue to cultivate it by frequently sharing our hopes and fears, and the details of our day to day lives. It keeps us connected and reminded of why we married one another in the first place.
In contrast, marriages that fail tend to be encumbered by negative interactions. There are four specific red flags in interactions that Gottman could reliably use to predict imminent divorce (if no change took place). He referred to these as "the Four Horsemen" of the apocalypse.
The first of these is criticism. Gottman distinguished complaint from criticism by explaining that complaint "focuses on a specific behavior or event", while criticism "expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality." For example, if I were to say to my husband, "I wish you had loaded the dishwasher last night like you said you would. It really bothers me to have a sink full of dishes," that would be an example of a complaint. However, if I were to say, "You never remember to do the dishes. You really don't care about helping me out, do you?" that would be a direct attack on his character, and therefore would be criticism.
The second is contempt, which Gottman defines as "a sense of superiority over one's partner". This can be seen in sneers, sarcasm, cynicism, "name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery and hostile humor". As is apparent, this is even more damaging than criticism to a relationship. It kills trust and confidence and undermines friendship.
The third is defensiveness, which requires little explanation. It is any attempt to remove blame from oneself, and often place it at the feet of the other partner.
The fourth and last "horseman" is stonewalling. This is when one partner withdraws from the other, in an attempt to avoid conflict altogether. They "shut out" the other person, disengaging not only from conflict, but from their partner.
Gottman's findings help us to understand what we need to cultivate in our marriages, and what to avoid with our partners, but they are incomplete. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard proposed that what we truly need in a lasting marriage is conversion. He wrote, "the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person- to be born again- to be a new creature in Christ." He claimed that a "good marriage is not about skills. It is about character." In other words, the real secret to a lasting marriage is not to become more knowledgeable about marriage, but to become more humble, loving and forgiving: to become more like Christ.
Sources:
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J. (2015). Seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. New York.
In a world of shifting values and morals, it is comforting to know that God and His laws do not change. One of the most comforting doctrines of the LDS church is that marriage between a man and a woman is not only important in this life, but essential in eternity, and meant to last forever. In the words of David A. Bednar, a latter-day apostle, "Righteous marriage is a commandment and an essential step in the process of creating a loving family relationship that can be perpetuated beyond the grave." For such a marriage to last beyond death, it must take place in the temple, as a covenant between the man, the woman, and the Lord, and sealed by the power of the restored priesthood.
As the apostle Paul states in 1 Corinthians 11:11, "...neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord." David A. Bednar further explained this when he said, "For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary." Despite what modern society currently professes, men and women are different by nature. Each is endowed with different strengths, and each needs the other to be complete in eternity. We have been put on earth to progress, but our progression, learning, and growth do not stop there. One day, we are meant to become like our Heavenly Father, in power, understanding, and creation. We can only reach that potential as a man and a woman, married and sealed for eternity.
The idea of an eternal marriage may seem foreign in today's world. The individualism and independence that is so glorified today can undermine the true joy that comes from caring for and relying on one another in marriage. Elder Bruce C. Hafen compared what is common in society, a "contractual marriage", with what marriage ought to be, a "covenant marriage": "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God." He taught that every marriage faces challenges, which can be summarized into three types of adversity: excessive individualism, natural adversity, and each person's imperfections.
My husband and I have a wonderful, if imperfect, marriage, and together we have been tried by different challenges. We faced natural adversity when we lost our first pregnancy in miscarriage, and when our daughter was born a month early and had an extended stay in the NICU. Our own imperfections try us: I am sure my husband finds me impatient, disorganized, and at times a bit feisty. However, through all these trials, we remember that we made a promise, not only to each other, but to the Lord, to remain faithful and to love one another. We also know that we did not only marry to find our own happiness, but to provide a safe, loving home for the children we bring into this world. That knowledge bears us up, and binds us together. Our greatest happiness is knowing that through the priesthood, the holy temple, and our covenants, we can be together forever.
Sources:
Hafen, Bruce C., “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov 1996, 26.
Bednar, David A., "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan," June 2006.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, my thoughts and beliefs are unavoidably shaped by my understanding of God and morality, as taught in my religion, and I believe that the teachings of the LDS church are completely true. That being said, I cannot address challenges to marriage without sharing my understanding of what marriage really means.
In the first chapter of Genesis, an account is given of the creation of the world. Verses 27-28 talk about the creation of man and woman: “So God created man in his own image… male and female created he them. / … God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth…”
In Genesis 2:18, Eve is created as “an help meet for [Adam]”. The connection between husband and wife is further clarified in verse 27: “Therefore shall a man… cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
What do these scriptures tell us about the nature of mankind? We are created after God’s image. Men and women are distinct. Men and women are created to help one another, in ways that only the different sexes can. One of those experiences that can only be brought about by a man and a woman is the creation of life through procreation. The marriage of a man and a woman is sanctified by God.
The leaders of the LDS church added further insight in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” when they said, “Marriage between man and woman is essential to [God’s] eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” Because we know that men and women are distinct in their design, and that marriage between a man and a woman is the pattern set by God Himself, it stands to reason that children brought into this world deserve every possibility of being raised in a stable home by a loving father and mother.
However, this understanding of marriage, now called “traditional marriage”, is under attack by societies that are quite literally products of such marriages. On June 26, 2015, following several decades of debate and strong public opinions both in favor of maintaining the traditional definition of marriage and of changing it to include same-sex couples, the Supreme Court decided by a bare majority to change the definition of marriage, despite the fact that the people of 32 out of 35 states had voted to retain the original definition of marriage.
Chief Justice John Roberts was disturbed by the dramatic change enacted by a handful of men: “Five lawyers have closed the debate and enacted their own vision of marriage as a matter of constitutional law. Stealing this issue from the people will for many cast a cloud over same-sex marriage, making a dramatic social change that much more difficult to accept.” The public sentiment of granting same-sex couples “dignity” through marriage (although dignity and value are intrinsic, not given) overlooks the basic premise and purpose of marriage, which John Roberts explained: “[Marriage] arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship.” Samuel Alito of the Supreme Court (dissenting) explained, “The long-term consequences of this change are not now known and are unlikely to be ascertainable for some time to come.” Perhaps more ominous than the acceptance of a lifestyle that, until 15 years ago, was condemned in every society, is the harm the decision may do to the freedom of religion. John Roberts noted, “Today’s decision, for example, creates serious questions about religious liberty. Many good and decent people oppose same-sex marriage as a tenet of faith, and their freedom to exercise religion is—unlike the right imagined by the majority— actually spelled out in the Constitution.”
In summary, the decision of the Supreme Court robbed the American people of the right to choose for themselves through democratic process, flies in the face of millennia of society, is at best, a hasty decision, and at worst, could prove to infringe upon the freedom of religion and the very fabric of family and society.
While I in no way condone any injustice committed against those who experience same-sex attraction, neither can I condone changing the definition of marriage so abruptly, and without true democratic process.
Sources:
Hinckley, G. B. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, lds.org/family/proclamation?lang=eng.
The research on divorce, both its prevalence and the effect it has on children, is as plentiful as it is emotionally charged. Paul Amato addresses these issues in The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-being of the Next Generation, saying, “Children are the innocent victims of their parents’ inability to maintain harmonious and stable homes” (90). My husband and I are coming up on our third anniversary, so by no means do I profess to be an expert on either marriage or divorce, but I can say that I have a strong belief that marriage is sacred, not only as a means of joining a loving man and wife together, but as the basis of a safe, nurturing place to raise children.
Hard logic and extensive research highlights the negative effects of divorce on children. Amato used meta-analysis to sift through decades of data and research to shed light on the impact of divorce. He found that children of divorced parents are at increased risk of behavioral, emotional, and academic problems (76). He also found that these children are also at increased risk of divorce, noting the modest, positive correlation between divorced parents and children who struggle with self-esteem, peer relationships, and demonstrate weaker bonds with their parents (77-78). Although children who lose a parent through death are more likely than children of divorced parents to experience depression into adulthood, they were also more likely to score higher on other outcomes (79-80). Does this mean that divorce is never more positive than a conflictual marriage? In high-conflict marriages, children seem to fare about the same as children from divorced families: however, the majority of marriages ending in divorce are low-conflict (80). In such cases, divorce is likely more harmful than remaining in a low-conflict marriage. This concept is reinforced by Elder James E. Faust’s counsel on what does and does not constitute grounds for divorce. According to his talk, “Father Come Home”, it should be “nothing less serious than a prolonged and irredeemable relationship which is destructive to the person’s dignity as a human being.” Faust said that differences in personality, drifting apart, or falling out of love are not justifiable reasons for divorce. In a similar strain, Elder Dallin H. Oaks conceded that for irreparable marriages, it is important to have a way to end it. However, he admonished in the same talk, “Divorce”, “I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance.” Sadly, the creators of “The State of Our Unions” estimate that 40-50% of marriages today will end in divorce (Marquardt, et. al, pg. 1). With all of the negative impacts divorce brings upon innocent children, great care should be taken to nurture marriages so children can grow up in happy, safe, and stable homes. Elder Oaks said, “Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims.” Unfortunately, modern society has become less child-centric, with interests of children moving from the spotlight onto the sidelines (Marquardt, et. al, pg. 84, 86). In fact, the “presence of a child only slightly inhibits likelihood of divorce” (88).
There is overwhelming evidence that divorce and broken homes are detrimental to the development of the children affected by them. Marriages are not meant to be entered into and left on a whim, but to be protected and nurtured, not only for the couple, but for the children they raise; children who are the future. Amato, P. (2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation. The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96. Faust, J. E. (May 1993). "Father, Come Home," Ensign. Marquardt E., Blankenhorn D., Lerman R.I., Malone-Colón L., and Wilcox W.B., “The President’s Marriage Agenda for the Forgotten Sixty Percent,” The State of Our Unions(Charlottesville, VA: National Marriage Project and Institute for American Values, 2012). Oaks, D.H. (May 2007). “Divorce.” Ensign.
Hello, I'm Kirsten, and I'm passionate about marriage and families. I am the youngest of nine children, and now a wife, and a mother to a beautiful daughter. I cannot claim to be an expert, or to have more experience than most, but I am dedicated to share what I learn about marriage and family here, and I hope it will be helpful to some. I will be sharing quotes from scripture and from leaders of The Chrch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, because my beliefs are inescapably connected to the doctrine of the "Mormon" church. I believe there is wisdom in their words, and trust you will find it whether you share my beliefs or not. Let's get started!
